An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth, waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head-over-heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly the scene froze in place and, as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came from above and said,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness monster believe in You also."
God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided...." Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Yeaaa-a-a-a, GOD!!
Dear Ellie Mae:
I am writing this letter to slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last night I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had her baby but I don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother...
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat at the the distellery and drowned last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader,and your vote counts Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D.Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
By the way, the answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.